Monday, October 5, 2015

Im not a Flake... I have ADHD!

So, let’s say I have an appointment at 4pm.

Right now it is 10am. I am starting my day.

I don't "feel" well emotionally.

I cannot seem to bring my self esteem up.

I feel like I am worthless, that I am a bad person, and that I am not going to give or get anything out of the appointment like this. I spend MUCH of my morning trying to figure out why?

There is NO reason in my life what so ever, for me to feel like this!

Then, I tell myself that I have to go. I made a commitment.

I spend the rest of my day focusing on other stuff until 4pm rolls around.

Then, I feel terrible because I had every intention of going. I begin to get severely depressed.

I don't talk to ANYONE when I am severely depressed. Most people don’t understand, they try to boost me up, tell me everything is going to be ok, ect… and that actually makes me feel worse.

So, I turn off my phones, my computer and everything and I go to bed, or somewhere to be by myself. I might nap, or focus on something else, until I feel it is ok to contact that person and apologize.

Depending on the person it is, the appointment, what it was for, ect… will depend on how long it takes me to reach out.

I then try to get away with not giving any excuses. If I HAVE to make an excuse for whatever reason, I make up a lie/excuse. This also depends on the person. My Mom knows I have ADHD and she has had to live with it, so I just kind of blow it off like I had other things to do.

Clients, I typically make up excuses such as tech issues (which actually do happen to me a lot) which is no surprise to most people.

Then, for the most part, and usually I am forgiven and I can just move on, reschedule, go on with life ect.

Well, not really. The Emotional pain that I suffer for my own actions, is quite honestly debilitating. It is emotionally draining. It causes extreme bouts of depression. It causes me Shame. It truly leaves me in a terrible place that sometimes it takes days, weeks, months to get out of depending on the situation.
Not opening up and admitting to this has really hurt me. It has caused good people to turn their back on me. Me to turn my back on others. I have lost friendships, jobs, opportunities, and had power shut off, evictions ect.

It doesn’t have anything to do with pride. It’s not that I am too proud to admit to the world that I have ADHD. It is the fact that I have spent my entire life trying to figure out how to be “normal” and all that I want is for people to look at me as a normal person.

I am already stigmatized for many reasons. I am overweight, I am in a bi racial marriage, I am a Psychic Medium for a living, I am Wiccan. Those are just a few of the ones that I can think of off the top of my head.

Also, its not all bad! My ADHD gives me an AMAZING amount of clarity.

A memory that people are envious of.

The ability to focus on things that are of interest for hours and hours and not get bored.

The creativity that I have at times is honestly something even great painters and poets would want to have even just for a moment.

Most of the time, I don’t care what anyone thinks of me. I live freely. I wear what I want, I go where I want. I have no sense of being held back, or feeling I don’t “belong”.

I really believe it is part of, or even one of the reasons I have this amazing intuition and Gift to help others. I can truly see outside the box, and my brain/mind is So incredibly open that I am able to see, sense, feel ect.

I mean I could sit here and list off all the good and bad things all day long. Just like most things in our lives it is very yin/yang.

The reason that I felt compelled to write this blog post is because. I am starting a new chapter. The issue is… I don’t know how to change the negative things that ADHD does to me. It is a daily struggle. It is something that I quite honestly have no clue where to go. I have been trying, working on myself, meditating, putting intentions out there, have taken medications, Hypnotherapy… you name it. I have attempted to explain myself to people, but no matter what… people get frustrated with me, and I know someone always will.

This is who I am, no matter how much I don’t want it to be. I can’t hide it, or keep it a secret. It has ruined SO many things for me in the past 10 years that I have tried to establish my “business” as a healer, a Psychic, a Medium, and I wind up getting to an emotional breaking point because of this “ADHD, Flake, Curse” that I shut down, and need a break and then just kind of lose it. A huge mental breakdown. That leaves me feeling/being someone completely different than who I am.
So, here I am again. I KNOW this is 100% where I am supposed to be.

But, what do I do to make people understand that I am not a flake?

I am going to probably miss appointments.

I am probably going to be late sometimes.

I guess that I just let everyone know, put the intention out there, write a blog post….

I guess I Accept who I am as a person, and hope that others accept me… flaws and all.